Umbrella

Rain has a very good friend called wind with which it almost always travels. Wind presents two major problems when it comes to the umbrella. The first being that you still get wet because rain doesn't travel straight down, contrary to its appearance in comic books. The other problem is that the wind gusts will actually cause you to stumble around, giving the appearance of intoxication. So now you are tottering around with a flying projectile that has a sharp pointy tip.

If, by some random chance, you make it to your destination not having:

A. Been propelled by your umbrella into oncoming traffic.
B. Poked out an old lady's eye who was waiting for the bus.
C. Had it do the inside out thing that all umbrella's like to do.
D. Been voted off the street because your taking up more room than the guy who's walking three dogs at the same time.

Now that you have made it to your destination you must stand outside in the rain and make the judgment call of whether the umbrella will actually fit through the door. If it's a single door, then you will never fit your umbrella through without tilting it on an angle causing water to drip all over you. Now if it's a double door, the proceedings will inevitably look like a scene from an old silent movie.

Defying all odds, you have gotten into a building without getting wet using an umbrella. All you have to do is put it away. Have you ever closed an umbrella that's still over your head? All that water that you have been keeping off your body gets released onto you from some hidden reservoir built into the top of all umbrella's. There's a trick that I have seen done by holding the umbrella away from you with outstretched arms and close it with the tip pointing towards the ground. These are the people that I call professional umbrella users. Wanting to be like the professionals, I tried that same technique only to have the umbrella jam, causing an involuntary reflex to bring the umbrella over my head again to inspect the malfunction. After closing the hinge, the umbrella proceeded to close swiftly over my head followed by an indoor rainfall, defeating the whole purpose of using such a terrible contraption.

Why not just leave the umbrella at home? Trust me on this one, I always do.