Stupid

I really hate being stupid!  It's no fun at all, take my word for it.  I'll have conversations with my wife and have no clue what she's talking about because she's using words like incredulous or superfluous.  See, your thinking what kind of idiot doesn't know what those words mean, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

"Nick that was really incredulous of you to return the toaster after you broke it".  First off I don't think that I broke it.  The manufacturer should have had a label saying not dishwasher safe.  Secondly I believe it was mearly a coincidence that it stopped working, while still under warranty I should add around the same time of my ingenious cleaning method.  Now a smart person would know how to respond to my wife's statement.  A person of average intelligence would simply ask what the word means and move on.  A stupid person like myself pretends they know what the words means and then adds it to their vocabulary without even looking it up in the dictionary.  Why would I waste my time looking it up when I have clearly heard the word being used in a sentence and it's painfully obvious incredulous means something similar to incredible because of how incredible I am for returning the broken toaster to the store and getting a new one for free.

"That TV is the most superfluous purchase you have ever made", with new TV on the brain I was trying to figure out what I had just been told.  My wife has no idea that I don't understand half the words she says because they aren't big words to her, hardly even worthy of being used in a game of scrabble.  A big word to her consists of the letter z and q used twice without the letter u.  Being an optimist I come up with the most plausible definition of my super fabulous new TV.

This kind of thing happens everyday around our house all the time.  Why not give more examples?  I would, but quite honestly I'm to stupid to remember them.

Email

My main e-mail address is lambnick@hotmail.com .  I've had this address for 15 years.  When I signed up I was actually upset that nicklamb@hotmail.com was taken.  Then I realized a couple of years later that friends were putting underscores and numbers into their names for an e-mail address.  If I was just signing up for a hotmail account today the address would look something like la_mb15_nick1999_73@hotmail.com .  All of the good e-mail addresses are taken unless your super old like myself or you use one of the home based e-mail addresses.

Why not just start putting underscores and numbers into kids names.  That way every kid can have his or her own hotmail account without adding additional numbers or underscores to their name.  If my parents had named me N_ic_78k I could get a hotmail account with name no problem.

To avoid doubles and devastating disappointment from not having an e-mail account with your name before leaving the hospital you would have to name your kid by picking a hotmail account for them.  If the name chosen was already taken you would be given a list of suggestions resembling the one you choose.  This actually takes care of two problems.  No more having two kids named Chris in class.  There would be Chris_98_r and Chris_3_4_ , teachers would love it.  Now everybody will have their own unique name along with e-mail address.

No Slip

I spend a lot of time at the hardware store. They sell anything you could ever need for building a house. This particular time I was picking out a new tub for a rental property that I have. There's a large selection  out there for something that just holds water. I guess the major piece of engineering would be the hole in the bottom that we are given the option of keeping water in and letting water out. There was not much difference between the tubs except for size and price then I noticed that some of the more expensive tubs were called "no slip" tubs. Why not make all the tubs "no slip"?

I wanted to call the salesman over just to hear him try and sell me one of tubs.  "Over here we have our no slip tub which as stated does not let you slip when either getting in or getting out of the tub. And over here's our slippery tub, it's basically made out of thousands of banana peels. I dare you to try and get into this tub when it's full of water with out injuring yourself."

Being a responsible landlord I of course bought the no slip tub. I'm pretty sure that they don't even have any of the slip tubs in stock and the display models just there to get an extra $50 out of everybody. Please do us all a favor and only manufacture the no slip tub incase somebody actually buys the banana peel version.

Movie Commercials

Remember when they first started putting commercials before previews at the theater? I remember people actually booing the commercial when this first started. Now it's so normal that everybody would wonder why the crazy guy's booing the car commercial "he must really hate Mazda".

I am truly waiting for the day when they start putting actual commercials midway into a movie and calling it a convenience so that it gives people a chance to re-fill their drinks or use the washroom. I really hope that they put up signs saying "intermission break halfway through" so I know my commercial nightmare has come true and I can just go rent the movie when it comes out.

I hope that the money I pay to get into the theater will continue to give me movies without interruption but I'm not betting against it. Why not keep putting out movies without commercial breaks.

Self Serve

I use the self service checkout at the hardware store almost exclusively and the grocery store when the lineups are faster. At first I was against it on the principle that people were losing jobs but have justified the choice by telling myself that somebody had to build the self service checkout system and people are needed to maintain them. If somebody really wanted to they could avoid human contact and use the self service checkout system for all the basic necessity's that would be possible. However the greatest need for avoiding human contact is the dreaded car lot why not offer a self service checkout for buying a car.

Who wouldn't buy a new car from a self service checkout if they were offered $1000 discount? Have the computer scan in your ID and run a credit check. Then choose your payment plan, pay the deposit and first months payment and away you go.

A new car without the hassle, sounds to good to be true. To handle the transition period they could keep a couple of salespeople on but I sure hope that none of them come and talk to me. It's really too bad that the check out people at the grocery store aren't as pushy as the car salesman that way I would truly enjoy the self serve checkout.

Video Games

How much horsepower do you have under the hood?  That flashlight's really bright, what's the candlepower?  Wow your new deck's huge, how many feet?

Without knowing anything about cars one can deduce that new car would have the equivalent power of 150 horses.  Also the new flashlight would have taken 500,000 candles to equal a light beam of that strength.  And it doesn't take a carpenter to look down at their feet and estimate what 60 feet would be.

Why not base all new video game systems off of the original Nintendo Entertainment System.  The Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis would have 2 nintentdo power.  The PS3 would have 1687 nintendo power.  Soon people will just be saying the number without thinking about it but we will always be able to go back to the NES to have a base for exactly how powerful you new video gaming machine actually is.

Stats

Every sport out there has a large amount of stats. Baseball keeps all sorts that nobody even knows what they mean. How many people know what a "whip" is besides my friend Brainiac and hardcore baseball fans? Hockey keeps track of the time every player's on the ice. They even break the number down further to how long a player's on the ice while killing a penalty or on the power play. Football keeps track of the yards a player makes after a catch. Every sport out there has a large amount of stats.

Why not keep track of the referee's stats. What percentage does the new hockey linesman have for making the correct call on an offside? He had good numbers at the junior level but will that translate to the NHL. Or how about how many times a football ref made the wrong call on a touchdown. I would like to know how many times a basketball ref made the wrong call on a foul. What's the percentage this umpire makes the correct call for balls and strikes?

Nobody wants to have bad stats so this would create a competitiveness amongst the officials to be the best. Who gets to ref the super bowl? The official with the biggest beer belly that's doing it the longest, fat chance. Give it to the guy with the best stats. Who gets to umpire the world series? That's a stupid question because we all know who the best umpire has been all season long. He just set a new record for making the correct call 99% of the time. He's in a league of his own behind the plate calling strikes and balls. Nobody else is even close.

Drunken Party Pictures

I have noticed a facebook pictures trend. The amount of cat pictures posted has stayed at an alarmingly high level however I have learned to just ignore those. The latest fad in drunken party pictures has me worried. Why not not take drunken party pictures?

There are really only two types of pictures that people post. Cat pictures and drunken party pictures. What is it about being drunk that reminds people to bring out their camera and start taking pictures of everybody. I could see a fire breathing dragon and not remember to take out my camera. Yet somehow these pictures are all over my friends facebook. Maybe the alcohol increases ones ability to use a camera, I always thought that was driving - so confused.

I'm surprised that there's not drunken cat party pictures. Imagine a picture of a cat with a bunch of empties in the background. Another picture of a cat beside a guy passed out covered in shaving cream. One of these days I will remember to bring my camera and hopefully get a picture of drunk guy with a cat being chased by a fire breathing dragon.

Previews

Going to a movie in the theatre has to be one of my favorite things to do. I enjoy seeing a movie on the big screen. For some reason, I don't feel as bad eating the equivalent of six bags of microwavable popcorn and drinking two litre's of coke because the theater calls that size medium. In the confines of the theatre, the popcorn and drink actually look like the proper amount for a reasonable person to consume.

Everything has been going great so far. I don't even mind that I can't read the free magazine because it's too dark. Now it's time for the the commercials, which I'm not even going to get into on this post; it will surely show up at a later date. What really bugs me these days are the previews. I will actually close my eyes if it's a movie that I really want to see because I know if I watch the preview, the ending will be given away.

Why not only show the first 30 minutes of a movie in a preview? If you can't cut together a two minute preview from thirty minutes of footage, then there's a problem with the movie. I'll take care of the popcorn though, they can leave that full length.

Proper Toaster

And another thing! I love it when people start conversations off that way. It makes me laugh every time because you know that they've been ranting about something in their head and brought you into the conversation mid rant. This is always followed by a lot of head nodding and "yes" on your part with the occasional "your preaching to the choir" if they start to think your not listening. I have tried disagreeing with the and another thing type of person before but that has only increased the volume of the rant in decibels and time.

Here's what happens to me all the time when I'm making toast.  The first two pieces turn out brilliantly.  I've got the toaster dialed in, it took a long time but if I put it on 2 and 1/3 the toast comes out a nice light brown.  This is the where the problem comes in, if I make another batch of toast it will burn every time. Now if I go dialing down the numbers to compensate for the toaster being warmed up it's near impossible to find the sweet spot that the toasters currently set at.

I'm really stuck on this one. How hard of an engineering leap could it be to figure this one out? Maybe we should try to make the products that we already have work properly before we start inventing some new ones and another thing why has the toaster not changed at all in over fifty years. Sure they can make  a toaster with more slots but that does not make my toast any faster or burn it less often.