Friday, April 15, 2011
I have temporarily moved this blog to twitter @thewineknot. It's essentially the same thing only shorter. Which means that I can spend more time watching TV and eating hot apple pies.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Carpet
There was a time when carpet use got a little out of control. People had a hunger that only an all-you-can-eat buffet could satisfy. It was being used everywhere. I remember asking my grandfather why he carpeted his countertop, only to have him explain how he "had some left over after finishing the roof." Carpet was automatically used for everything. There was never a debate about what type of flooring was going to be installed; the only question was what colour would the carpet be? Despite all of the carpeting that was done, there are a few things that I've never seen carpeted. I have never seen a carpeted bathtub, although it would have been considered the first no-slip tub.
This overuse of an item is not just limited to carpet. I have a cousin who has a small bee farm that produces honey. He has developed an incredible love for honey and an unending amount of uses for it. No matter what food is being served, be prepared to be told how good this particular item tastes with a little bit of honey. From meats to desserts, honey is apparently good on everything. I think that my cousin has turned into a bear, but I am not going to rule out the possibility that he is still fully human until all of the facts are in.
Luckily, the only thing that I care enough about to lose my mind over is cookies and that job has already been filled by the cookie monster. This cookie devouring monster would use cookies for rims on his car if he didn't destroy any cookie left in his path first. Upon closer inspection, the cookie monster also appears to be a victim of the carpet binge, having been covered with a nice blue shag, possibly leftover from my grandpa's deck. Despite having the title of cookie monster, he doesn't actually eat any cookies, just shoving them into his mouth and crunching them into crumbs which fly all over the place. My approach is much different, inhaling all of the pieces off my carpeted plate my Grandpa gave me - just like a vacuum would.
This overuse of an item is not just limited to carpet. I have a cousin who has a small bee farm that produces honey. He has developed an incredible love for honey and an unending amount of uses for it. No matter what food is being served, be prepared to be told how good this particular item tastes with a little bit of honey. From meats to desserts, honey is apparently good on everything. I think that my cousin has turned into a bear, but I am not going to rule out the possibility that he is still fully human until all of the facts are in.
Luckily, the only thing that I care enough about to lose my mind over is cookies and that job has already been filled by the cookie monster. This cookie devouring monster would use cookies for rims on his car if he didn't destroy any cookie left in his path first. Upon closer inspection, the cookie monster also appears to be a victim of the carpet binge, having been covered with a nice blue shag, possibly leftover from my grandpa's deck. Despite having the title of cookie monster, he doesn't actually eat any cookies, just shoving them into his mouth and crunching them into crumbs which fly all over the place. My approach is much different, inhaling all of the pieces off my carpeted plate my Grandpa gave me - just like a vacuum would.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Gold Medal
Canada just set a new record for the most gold medals won by a country in the Winter Olympics. They were tied with the United States and Norway with 13 before the mens hockey finals. After all twenty hockey players received their medals the total was then rocketed up to 33, smashing the old record. This number was later brought into debate after a snowboarder requested a chocolate medal, claiming they had an incredible case of the munchies. If a medal has been consumed for dessert does it still count towards the total medal count?
The controversy continued as certain sports were coming under attack. Not for the use of steroids but claims that events, such as curling are not physically demanding enough to be worthy of the Olympic Games. These criticisms were thankfully quieted as 43-year-old Kevin Martin took home the gold medal in men's curling and 43-year-old Anette Norberg won the women's gold medal.
After watching the same speed skaters win medals in the 500m, 1000m, 1500m, 3000m, 5000m, 10000m and Team Pursuit, the Canadian hockey teams came up with several ideas to win multiple medals. Early event submissions have been made for the 30-Minute Hockey Game, 3-on-3 Hockey and Big Net Hockey. If you can't win a medal in another sport, why not just add a small twist to your existing sport?
The controversy continued as certain sports were coming under attack. Not for the use of steroids but claims that events, such as curling are not physically demanding enough to be worthy of the Olympic Games. These criticisms were thankfully quieted as 43-year-old Kevin Martin took home the gold medal in men's curling and 43-year-old Anette Norberg won the women's gold medal.
After watching the same speed skaters win medals in the 500m, 1000m, 1500m, 3000m, 5000m, 10000m and Team Pursuit, the Canadian hockey teams came up with several ideas to win multiple medals. Early event submissions have been made for the 30-Minute Hockey Game, 3-on-3 Hockey and Big Net Hockey. If you can't win a medal in another sport, why not just add a small twist to your existing sport?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Fatherly Advice
There's no shortage of people giving out good advice. You can turn a loss into a win by learning from it or watch how you treat your mother because thats how you'll treat other women. A new broom sweeps clean or one bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Then there's the timeless advice that I was given by father growing up. My dad had two rules to live by that he constantly reminded us kids through speech and practice. I should preface this by saying that my dad has a degree in biblical studies and several years of post secondary business training. His timeless advice that he wont hesitate to tell anybody who comes within earshot of him is "life's a race and always wear a funny hat".
In an effort to make him happy my sister and I would hurry through tasks paying little attention to details all while wearing what we thought were funny hats. He used to wear one of those hats that have an actual clock on the front with the saying "keeping ahead of time". Winter is when my dad really shines because when a funny hat is your goal then the world is yours for the taking. There are raccoon hats, jester hats, santa hats, elf hats and even those novelty ear muffs would fall under the definition of a funny hat. The more that he could embarrass his kids the better.
When life's a race then your day has to start at 5:00AM. Which when your a teenager those hours are only open for business if you haven't gone to sleep yet. Having prefaced the advice with my fathers education I feel as though I should conclude with his occupation, which was a grain farmer for over 30 years. Wearing funny hats and being in a hurry are part of the job description although I must admit that few farmers actually wear the funny hat on purpose.
In an effort to make him happy my sister and I would hurry through tasks paying little attention to details all while wearing what we thought were funny hats. He used to wear one of those hats that have an actual clock on the front with the saying "keeping ahead of time". Winter is when my dad really shines because when a funny hat is your goal then the world is yours for the taking. There are raccoon hats, jester hats, santa hats, elf hats and even those novelty ear muffs would fall under the definition of a funny hat. The more that he could embarrass his kids the better.
When life's a race then your day has to start at 5:00AM. Which when your a teenager those hours are only open for business if you haven't gone to sleep yet. Having prefaced the advice with my fathers education I feel as though I should conclude with his occupation, which was a grain farmer for over 30 years. Wearing funny hats and being in a hurry are part of the job description although I must admit that few farmers actually wear the funny hat on purpose.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Gravity
Objectively, time is experienced the same by everybody, yet subjectively there are subtle differences on how it's experienced. I personally experience time in seconds, hours, days, months and years. Yet other people see their life only in months. This particular view of time makes it highly probably that they will always be late for everything. Now it's not impossible for MONTH-ONLY (or monther) people to be on time, just highly unlikely (get your calculator ready - see uncle calculator if you missed it).
There are 60 minutes in a hour, 1440 minutes in a day and 44640 minutes in a month. This allows somebody like myself who experiences individual minutes to have 44640 measures of time to 1 measure of time for a "monther". If you could bet on which type of person would be on time, the odds would be 44640:1, which also happens to be the same odds as the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to win the Grey Cup.
But why is a monther always late and never early? For the answer, I went to my wife who has a lifetime of experiencing months only. She finally heard the question a week later and I was eventually given an answer in three weeks. As it turns out, she has no idea what I'm talking about.
The reason why a monther must always be late and never early is because it's a law, similar to the law of gravity and really bad Winnipeg football teams.
There are 60 minutes in a hour, 1440 minutes in a day and 44640 minutes in a month. This allows somebody like myself who experiences individual minutes to have 44640 measures of time to 1 measure of time for a "monther". If you could bet on which type of person would be on time, the odds would be 44640:1, which also happens to be the same odds as the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to win the Grey Cup.
But why is a monther always late and never early? For the answer, I went to my wife who has a lifetime of experiencing months only. She finally heard the question a week later and I was eventually given an answer in three weeks. As it turns out, she has no idea what I'm talking about.
The reason why a monther must always be late and never early is because it's a law, similar to the law of gravity and really bad Winnipeg football teams.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Acronyms
Acronyms are used for the purpose of taking something long and complicated and making it short and incomprehensible. Somewhere along the line we've confused incomprehensible with cool. There are new acronyms being made on a daily basis, making life more confusing by the hour. Sometimes I'm unsure what language these acronym-people are talking so to avoid being left out I'll start spellings words in an attempt to be part of the conversation. "The W.E.A.T.H.E.R. says that there's a chance of S.N.O.W. tomorrow."
The city of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan has a north side and a south side. The south side commonly called south hill is generally only seen when a driver makes a wrong turn leaving KFC and gets trapped going southbound on a one way street. The driver then returns back to the north side of town and purchases a GPS device so such an event won't happen again. A few years ago, the people of south hill decided that they wanted to get some people over to their side of the city and breathe some life into the businesses business, Family Pizza or FP, on that side of town.
The plan was to have an entire weekend dedicated to the south hill. Since they live south of the bridge connecting the north and south side of the city it was suggested to call the event "South Of The Bridge Days". Only two people attended the meeting, real-life BFFs, and this name was quickly agreed upon. Wanting to make the event sound cool and appeal to a younger demographic, while saving printing costs all at the same time, an acronym was put on a huge banner. It proudly declared "SOB Days", greeting whoever makes a wrong turn out of KFC. After receiving a "big crunch combo", I accidently made the wrong turn and was greeted by this "SOB Days" sign. Expecting to get empty beer bottles thrown at my car or have somebody pick a fight, I decided to quickly turn around and go back to the more civilized north side. But remembering the Family Pizza, I thought, "Why not see if they have a promotion on for SOB days?" It turns out that the only business on south hill decided not to participate in the event but there was at least a dozen balloons decorating a street lamp post or so I'm told that there was until some SOB stole them A.L.L.
The city of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan has a north side and a south side. The south side commonly called south hill is generally only seen when a driver makes a wrong turn leaving KFC and gets trapped going southbound on a one way street. The driver then returns back to the north side of town and purchases a GPS device so such an event won't happen again. A few years ago, the people of south hill decided that they wanted to get some people over to their side of the city and breathe some life into the businesses business, Family Pizza or FP, on that side of town.
The plan was to have an entire weekend dedicated to the south hill. Since they live south of the bridge connecting the north and south side of the city it was suggested to call the event "South Of The Bridge Days". Only two people attended the meeting, real-life BFFs, and this name was quickly agreed upon. Wanting to make the event sound cool and appeal to a younger demographic, while saving printing costs all at the same time, an acronym was put on a huge banner. It proudly declared "SOB Days", greeting whoever makes a wrong turn out of KFC. After receiving a "big crunch combo", I accidently made the wrong turn and was greeted by this "SOB Days" sign. Expecting to get empty beer bottles thrown at my car or have somebody pick a fight, I decided to quickly turn around and go back to the more civilized north side. But remembering the Family Pizza, I thought, "Why not see if they have a promotion on for SOB days?" It turns out that the only business on south hill decided not to participate in the event but there was at least a dozen balloons decorating a street lamp post or so I'm told that there was until some SOB stole them A.L.L.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Names
Names are more contagious than injuries in baseball. It doesn't matter if it's the name of a store or a person's name. Once a name is given, expect similarity to follow suit. If you're hungry for a burger, you could go to Burger King, Burger Flame, Burger Cabin or Burger Fuel. That actually sounds more like the days of the week to me or more specifically a friday night but the point is that they all just have the name burger followed by a noun.
Then there's the companies that name their business after the street that they are on. This kind name is the most addictive of them all. Businesses that find themselves on these kind of streets are given the choice of naming their business after the street or move to a different street. These streets are very powerful often holding prominent positions within municipal, provincial and federal government.
In an attempt to stop this, a local business "687 Takeaways" tried to leave their street name out of their address. However, not fully understanding the exponential law of business names, soon other business started following the trend. Now there's 587 takeaways, 543 bakery, 843 clock repair and 444 printing. These numbered businesses are refusing to cooperate with the street-named businesses, which have created a bunch of confused people driving around unable to find anything and even forcing a small group of people to actually cook their own meals eat at home. Why not vote for an actual person in the upcoming election instead of a street to start solving these problems? I might but right now my vote is leaning toward a broom or possibly a mop to clean this mess up.
Then there's the companies that name their business after the street that they are on. This kind name is the most addictive of them all. Businesses that find themselves on these kind of streets are given the choice of naming their business after the street or move to a different street. These streets are very powerful often holding prominent positions within municipal, provincial and federal government.
In an attempt to stop this, a local business "687 Takeaways" tried to leave their street name out of their address. However, not fully understanding the exponential law of business names, soon other business started following the trend. Now there's 587 takeaways, 543 bakery, 843 clock repair and 444 printing. These numbered businesses are refusing to cooperate with the street-named businesses, which have created a bunch of confused people driving around unable to find anything and even forcing a small group of people to actually cook their own meals eat at home. Why not vote for an actual person in the upcoming election instead of a street to start solving these problems? I might but right now my vote is leaning toward a broom or possibly a mop to clean this mess up.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Critic
There are some jobs out there that everybody wants. A lot of those dream jobs end with the word critic. There's film critic, book critic, art critic, video game critic and food critic. This got me thinking, why not become one of these critics? Then I realized, why would I want to limit myself to criticize just one thing when I would prefer to criticize everything?
Now the title of "critic" alone would be great but as soon as you add a suffix to the end it's just a way of limiting the things that you can complain about. Think of all things that your opinion would no longer be valid for. "What do you know about politics, Nick, you're just a food critic?" I couldn't even watch a football game with my friends anymore. "Oh look. Mr. Book Critic thinks he knows about sports now too; it must be nice being a nerdler-know-it-all." Now in all honesty, I hear those complaints already, just without the term food critic or book critic on the end. But why should I add fuel to the fire?
I've been told by my wife that the purpose of a critic is to judge the merit of something and not merely criticize it. However, I feel that the title of "critic" affords one the right to criticize if thats what he or she want to do. I'm not entirely certain that everything that I'm saying is a criticism either. Is it my fault that I thought the ice cream was way too cold and that the sky's too blue?
Now the title of "critic" alone would be great but as soon as you add a suffix to the end it's just a way of limiting the things that you can complain about. Think of all things that your opinion would no longer be valid for. "What do you know about politics, Nick, you're just a food critic?" I couldn't even watch a football game with my friends anymore. "Oh look. Mr. Book Critic thinks he knows about sports now too; it must be nice being a nerdler-know-it-all." Now in all honesty, I hear those complaints already, just without the term food critic or book critic on the end. But why should I add fuel to the fire?
I've been told by my wife that the purpose of a critic is to judge the merit of something and not merely criticize it. However, I feel that the title of "critic" affords one the right to criticize if thats what he or she want to do. I'm not entirely certain that everything that I'm saying is a criticism either. Is it my fault that I thought the ice cream was way too cold and that the sky's too blue?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wood Grain
The idea behind veneer is that you cover up a cheep wood with a thin layer of nicer more expensive wood. My mom used the veneer philosophy with t-shirts when I was growing. She would buy cheap multi-packs of plain white shirts then proceed to paint various brand names and logos onto the shirts. To be fair, my mom has an incredible talent for painting and drawing. Nobody at school ever knew that the "Guess" shirt I was wearing was actually just a veneer hiding a plain shirt recently purchased from Zellers.
Wood veneers are not new. They've been around for hundreds of years. In the '70s, plastics started being produced. The goal with plastic at the time was to try and make it look like wood . Soon plastic wood veneers started showing up on everything from televisions to tables. This happened until the '80s, when somebody realized that not everything had to look like wood and plastic could simply be a solid color.
Eventually something cheaper will replace plastic. We'll be so accustomed to plastic that we wont be able to simply get rid of it. To fill the transition period the new product will have to be made to look like plastic. "That looks exactly like a plastic wood grained veneer, I would have never guessed that it wasn't plastic." Why not start collecting all of those future plastic antiques now? I would but I'm in the middle of a law suit from wearing one of the shirts that my mom made me. Something about copywrite infringement involving a maximum $250,000 fine and up to 7 years in prison.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Offensive Playbook
I never thought that I would say this pre-invention of a time machine "the Saskatchewan Roughriders have just won first place in the western division". Actually, they tied for first place and then won the game of rock-paper-scissors over Calgary. Luckily, Calgary has become predictable always picking rock, allowing us to pick up an easy win by simply selecting paper. Calgary wanted a best 2 out of 3 but rules are rules.
The Roughriders haven't finished in first place since 1976. Considering that there are only 4 teams in the division thats 6.5 times less than they would have if the league had in 1977 adopted the proposed sharing of victories to encourage cooperation and generosity among the younger and more impressionable fans. I can see the reasoning for voting against such a proposal at the time but history has proved that decision wrong.
I've gone over some game tape of past roughrider seasons. My goal was to find out why there have been so few 1st place finishes in the franchise's history. I'm not a football expert, but I do believe that when your offensive playbook only consists of three plays (run, pass, punt) it makes it very difficult to put together a winning season. This kind of offense relies heavily on shut-out defense that produces turnovers within field goal range and consistent punt returns for touchdowns. Why not change up the playbook this Sunday? Because Calgary always picks rock.
The Roughriders haven't finished in first place since 1976. Considering that there are only 4 teams in the division thats 6.5 times less than they would have if the league had in 1977 adopted the proposed sharing of victories to encourage cooperation and generosity among the younger and more impressionable fans. I can see the reasoning for voting against such a proposal at the time but history has proved that decision wrong.
I've gone over some game tape of past roughrider seasons. My goal was to find out why there have been so few 1st place finishes in the franchise's history. I'm not a football expert, but I do believe that when your offensive playbook only consists of three plays (run, pass, punt) it makes it very difficult to put together a winning season. This kind of offense relies heavily on shut-out defense that produces turnovers within field goal range and consistent punt returns for touchdowns. Why not change up the playbook this Sunday? Because Calgary always picks rock.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Hover Mower
Mowing the lawn can be extremely dangerous at the best of times. To help kids become more responsible, we put them in charge of an inverted helecopter that can cut off their limbs or anyones around them with one missed step. I'm just wondering who was teaching my parents responsibility while I was out cutting the grass?
I first learned how to mow when I was 9 years old. At the time, I was a little over 4 feet tall. That means the push handle was parallel to the top of my head. I was definitely not tall enough to go on the ride but that didn't stop my dad from teaching me. By teaching me, I mean he would start the mower. Mowing the lawn really isn't that difficult, but imagine the mower being 6 feet tall and weighing the same as you.
So obviously the problem is that the mower's just too big and heavy for a kid until they are at least 12 years of age. That problem has been solved by the good people at Flymo. They have invented a mower that hovers above the lawn making it virtually weightless. Now kids as young as 5 or 6 will be able to get out and risk injury via the lawnmower. Why not starting learning responsible when your younger rather live to learn about it when your older?
I first learned how to mow when I was 9 years old. At the time, I was a little over 4 feet tall. That means the push handle was parallel to the top of my head. I was definitely not tall enough to go on the ride but that didn't stop my dad from teaching me. By teaching me, I mean he would start the mower. Mowing the lawn really isn't that difficult, but imagine the mower being 6 feet tall and weighing the same as you.
So obviously the problem is that the mower's just too big and heavy for a kid until they are at least 12 years of age. That problem has been solved by the good people at Flymo. They have invented a mower that hovers above the lawn making it virtually weightless. Now kids as young as 5 or 6 will be able to get out and risk injury via the lawnmower. Why not starting learning responsible when your younger rather live to learn about it when your older?
Friday, November 13, 2009
Cat Videos
You could search for anything on YouTube and no matter what, it will yield at least one cat video. Soon, nobody will able to load anything new to YouTube because the servers will be full of cat videos. Imagine all of the important videos of... okay I'm really not sure what the point of YouTube is, but there won't be any room for it. This will cause a new rule to be put in place banning the upload of any new cat videos. Once the new servers are in place and there is room for new uploads I doubt the rule will stop the cat video unloaders, due to their unquenchable thirst for putting videos of cats on the Internet. They will just invent code words for cat to avoid the video from being flagged.
Why not market next years model of video cameras on their usefulness towards cat videos? That's all video cameras are ever really used for anyway. "This model here works well for young cats. It has a very fast shutter enabling you catch your cat in full-sprint running up the stairs without getting any motion blur. This particular model works great Persian whites. The contrast level is specifically suited for the snow white color tone. This model is perfect for black cats. Unlike the previous model, this one pulls the contrast back and increases the brightness, enabling you see your cat even in low light situations. This allows you to film your cat at night when it's most active." They would make a fortune.
I have thrown my hat into the ring and have started up a cats-only videographer company. Basically, I show up with a camera and videotape your cat. Then I post the video directly on to YouTube. So far, I've upload a five-minute video called "cat sleeping" and another five-minute gem called "cat napping". They weren't paying gigs but I'm hoping that the free promotion will parlay itself into dollars soon.
Why not market next years model of video cameras on their usefulness towards cat videos? That's all video cameras are ever really used for anyway. "This model here works well for young cats. It has a very fast shutter enabling you catch your cat in full-sprint running up the stairs without getting any motion blur. This particular model works great Persian whites. The contrast level is specifically suited for the snow white color tone. This model is perfect for black cats. Unlike the previous model, this one pulls the contrast back and increases the brightness, enabling you see your cat even in low light situations. This allows you to film your cat at night when it's most active." They would make a fortune.
I have thrown my hat into the ring and have started up a cats-only videographer company. Basically, I show up with a camera and videotape your cat. Then I post the video directly on to YouTube. So far, I've upload a five-minute video called "cat sleeping" and another five-minute gem called "cat napping". They weren't paying gigs but I'm hoping that the free promotion will parlay itself into dollars soon.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Oil Light
Can you imagine installing a fire detector that only turns on after your house has burned down? Or a home alarm that alerts you to the intrusion once a burglar leaves your house? You know what would be really handy? A reading light that would only turn on during the day. Better yet, a traffic light that did not let you know what colour it was until after you passed through the intersection. They really need to come out with something that informs you after the fact that the engine in your car has been wrecked. Oh wait, that one already exists! It's called the low oil light.
Somehow, my car expects me to have my seat belt on immediatly after opening the door. It will give me a stern talking to if I leave the lights on after taking the key out of the ignition. Countless hours have been spent by some dummy, inventing those irritating locks that automatically unlock themselves if you don't hold the handle up while you close the door. But who thought up the oil gauge? It works by letting you know that your oil pressure is to low to safely drive your car without damaging the engine. To warn you of the impending end of the car's usefulness as a method of transportation, a picture of a boat that has some water dripping off the front appears followed by a pleasant intermittent ding.
By the time the oil pressure gauge light comes on, it's already too late. Why not give the driver a bit of warning so that you can pull over, and save your engine, before losing total oil pressure? Then, install a real warning system once it hits the danger zone. The car should disable the stereo controls and start blasting "MMMBop" by Hanson, thereby forcing you to pull over and turn the car off simply to make it stop. Unless of course, you're a burglar and the idea of an alarm that only turns on after you've left the house is very appealing.
Somehow, my car expects me to have my seat belt on immediatly after opening the door. It will give me a stern talking to if I leave the lights on after taking the key out of the ignition. Countless hours have been spent by some dummy, inventing those irritating locks that automatically unlock themselves if you don't hold the handle up while you close the door. But who thought up the oil gauge? It works by letting you know that your oil pressure is to low to safely drive your car without damaging the engine. To warn you of the impending end of the car's usefulness as a method of transportation, a picture of a boat that has some water dripping off the front appears followed by a pleasant intermittent ding.
By the time the oil pressure gauge light comes on, it's already too late. Why not give the driver a bit of warning so that you can pull over, and save your engine, before losing total oil pressure? Then, install a real warning system once it hits the danger zone. The car should disable the stereo controls and start blasting "MMMBop" by Hanson, thereby forcing you to pull over and turn the car off simply to make it stop. Unless of course, you're a burglar and the idea of an alarm that only turns on after you've left the house is very appealing.
Friday, November 6, 2009
VHS, DVD, HDTV and Blu-ray
When DVDs first came out, there would be an ad just before the preview promoting the great new technology of the digital video disc. It would have a great looking picture on half of the screen and then this totally blurry picture on the other side. Of course, the ad was captioned "DVD" on the clear side and "VHS" on the blurry side for obvious comparison. I remember thinking, "Wow, that DVD picture looks great! It's too bad I don't own a DVD a player and I have to watch this movie on my blurry-looking VHS."
This ad was obviously placed toward stupid people like myself, who weren't smart enough to realize that we were watching the amazing picture and sound of the DVD on a VHS tape. I'm pretty sure that somebody was messing around in the editing suite with a new "blurry filter" plug-in he just got and applied the effect to half the screen while leaving the over half unaffected. As a joke he wrote DVD on the normal half and VHS on the blurry half. Just then, his boss came in but he wasn't quick enough to switch the screen back to the project they were supposed to be working on.
After a stunningly successful campaign, the big brains realized that nobody was wise to their advertising trickery. So when HD TVs came out, they brought the same thing into the big box store. Half the screen is blurrier than bigfoot and the other half's showing stunning coastlines from a helicopter. Still, I can't believe that I watch that blurry mess at home. The sign says "High Definition" vs "Standard Definition" and I have standard definition at home so that must be how my TV looks. "It's funny how I never noticed it before," I remember thinking as a carried my new TV out of the store.
I just rented a DVD, and you guessed it... There was a commercial before the previews that split my TV in half. One side showed me the crappy picture that I watch all my DVDs on and the other side showed a brilliant looking picture that I could see only if I buy a Blu-ray player. It saddened me to think that I was going to have to watch the movie on crappy DVD. Why not just keep watching movies on DVD? Because Blu-ray looks so much better - I saw it with my own eyes on the last DVD I rented.
This ad was obviously placed toward stupid people like myself, who weren't smart enough to realize that we were watching the amazing picture and sound of the DVD on a VHS tape. I'm pretty sure that somebody was messing around in the editing suite with a new "blurry filter" plug-in he just got and applied the effect to half the screen while leaving the over half unaffected. As a joke he wrote DVD on the normal half and VHS on the blurry half. Just then, his boss came in but he wasn't quick enough to switch the screen back to the project they were supposed to be working on.
After a stunningly successful campaign, the big brains realized that nobody was wise to their advertising trickery. So when HD TVs came out, they brought the same thing into the big box store. Half the screen is blurrier than bigfoot and the other half's showing stunning coastlines from a helicopter. Still, I can't believe that I watch that blurry mess at home. The sign says "High Definition" vs "Standard Definition" and I have standard definition at home so that must be how my TV looks. "It's funny how I never noticed it before," I remember thinking as a carried my new TV out of the store.
I just rented a DVD, and you guessed it... There was a commercial before the previews that split my TV in half. One side showed me the crappy picture that I watch all my DVDs on and the other side showed a brilliant looking picture that I could see only if I buy a Blu-ray player. It saddened me to think that I was going to have to watch the movie on crappy DVD. Why not just keep watching movies on DVD? Because Blu-ray looks so much better - I saw it with my own eyes on the last DVD I rented.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Post Card
The following was my attempt to make my Grandpa Lamb think that I had gone crazy. I've been living in New Zealand for the past 10 months (moved from Canada) so I wrote him a postcard trying to talk as much Kiwi slang as possible.
Giday Mate! It's spring here which means there are heaps of fresh fruit and vege. The kumara and passion fruit are especially choice. Driving over here can be a bit dodgy on the metal roads. It's good as if you can stay off the footpaths. We pay the rent for our flat every fortnight instead of monthly. The scenery is great especially up in the wop-wops. Just be sure to pack some hokey pokey in the chilly bin if your going on a tramp. It makes a great snack with a couple of bangers fresh off the barbie. Our car got stolen by a hoon right in front of the bach. It was just a bog-standard with not many horses under the bonnet and no gold in the boot. I got to go take out the rubbish without a whinge. Love you heaps. Cheers.
Giday Mate! It's spring here which means there are heaps of fresh fruit and vege. The kumara and passion fruit are especially choice. Driving over here can be a bit dodgy on the metal roads. It's good as if you can stay off the footpaths. We pay the rent for our flat every fortnight instead of monthly. The scenery is great especially up in the wop-wops. Just be sure to pack some hokey pokey in the chilly bin if your going on a tramp. It makes a great snack with a couple of bangers fresh off the barbie. Our car got stolen by a hoon right in front of the bach. It was just a bog-standard with not many horses under the bonnet and no gold in the boot. I got to go take out the rubbish without a whinge. Love you heaps. Cheers.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Shoes
Adults didn't play video games when I was a kid. Video games were a toy and once you reached a certain age you would move onto more important things... like watching tv, doing puzzles and trying to remember that persons name who used to live down the street.
Video games were released on a schedule revolving around the winter and summer olympics. If you didn't like the game that had just come out you had to wait two years until the next one came out or get back in line for "Pong". To my parents a video arcade game as they called them was something you did until the shuffle table was free or as a warm up for bumper pool. If you have a spare hour I dare you to ask my dad about the time the pinball machine was broken and he was forced to play "Night Driver".
All of this to say I've started to see an alarming number of kids wearing roller shoes. They are actual shoes with wheels on them that parents give their kids to make them think walking is now fun. Getting grocery's, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, going inside the Burger King because drive thru line was too long are all jobs now being done by kids wearing roller shoes. They are everywhere. I wonder if these kids will grow up and keep wearing their roller shoe's the way adults now play video games. Eventually people won't remember how to walk, which really isn't very different from how I still can't remember the guy's name who used to live down the street.
Video games were released on a schedule revolving around the winter and summer olympics. If you didn't like the game that had just come out you had to wait two years until the next one came out or get back in line for "Pong". To my parents a video arcade game as they called them was something you did until the shuffle table was free or as a warm up for bumper pool. If you have a spare hour I dare you to ask my dad about the time the pinball machine was broken and he was forced to play "Night Driver".
All of this to say I've started to see an alarming number of kids wearing roller shoes. They are actual shoes with wheels on them that parents give their kids to make them think walking is now fun. Getting grocery's, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, going inside the Burger King because drive thru line was too long are all jobs now being done by kids wearing roller shoes. They are everywhere. I wonder if these kids will grow up and keep wearing their roller shoe's the way adults now play video games. Eventually people won't remember how to walk, which really isn't very different from how I still can't remember the guy's name who used to live down the street.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Umbrella
Rain has a very good friend called wind with which it almost always travels. Wind presents two major problems when it comes to the umbrella. The first being that you still get wet because rain doesn't travel straight down, contrary to its appearance in comic books. The other problem is that the wind gusts will actually cause you to stumble around, giving the appearance of intoxication. So now you are tottering around with a flying projectile that has a sharp pointy tip.
If, by some random chance, you make it to your destination not having:
A. Been propelled by your umbrella into oncoming traffic.
B. Poked out an old lady's eye who was waiting for the bus.
C. Had it do the inside out thing that all umbrella's like to do.
D. Been voted off the street because your taking up more room than the guy who's walking three dogs at the same time.
Now that you have made it to your destination you must stand outside in the rain and make the judgment call of whether the umbrella will actually fit through the door. If it's a single door, then you will never fit your umbrella through without tilting it on an angle causing water to drip all over you. Now if it's a double door, the proceedings will inevitably look like a scene from an old silent movie.
Defying all odds, you have gotten into a building without getting wet using an umbrella. All you have to do is put it away. Have you ever closed an umbrella that's still over your head? All that water that you have been keeping off your body gets released onto you from some hidden reservoir built into the top of all umbrella's. There's a trick that I have seen done by holding the umbrella away from you with outstretched arms and close it with the tip pointing towards the ground. These are the people that I call professional umbrella users. Wanting to be like the professionals, I tried that same technique only to have the umbrella jam, causing an involuntary reflex to bring the umbrella over my head again to inspect the malfunction. After closing the hinge, the umbrella proceeded to close swiftly over my head followed by an indoor rainfall, defeating the whole purpose of using such a terrible contraption.
Why not just leave the umbrella at home? Trust me on this one, I always do.
If, by some random chance, you make it to your destination not having:
A. Been propelled by your umbrella into oncoming traffic.
B. Poked out an old lady's eye who was waiting for the bus.
C. Had it do the inside out thing that all umbrella's like to do.
D. Been voted off the street because your taking up more room than the guy who's walking three dogs at the same time.
Now that you have made it to your destination you must stand outside in the rain and make the judgment call of whether the umbrella will actually fit through the door. If it's a single door, then you will never fit your umbrella through without tilting it on an angle causing water to drip all over you. Now if it's a double door, the proceedings will inevitably look like a scene from an old silent movie.
Defying all odds, you have gotten into a building without getting wet using an umbrella. All you have to do is put it away. Have you ever closed an umbrella that's still over your head? All that water that you have been keeping off your body gets released onto you from some hidden reservoir built into the top of all umbrella's. There's a trick that I have seen done by holding the umbrella away from you with outstretched arms and close it with the tip pointing towards the ground. These are the people that I call professional umbrella users. Wanting to be like the professionals, I tried that same technique only to have the umbrella jam, causing an involuntary reflex to bring the umbrella over my head again to inspect the malfunction. After closing the hinge, the umbrella proceeded to close swiftly over my head followed by an indoor rainfall, defeating the whole purpose of using such a terrible contraption.
Friday, October 23, 2009
It's time relax and look up some useless facts on the internet. Let's see I'm at google, now I only need to think of something to search for. Here's a list of the most popular google search's in Canada for 2008.
- youtube
- lyrics
- weather
- games
- hotmail
- yahoo
- map
- canada
"You mean your using google to search".
"No, I'm looking up google on google".
"Why"? That's when the conversation would get awkward because I'm really not sure why I'm looking up google on google. I guess it seemed more interesting than map or lyrics.
Nobody's really looking up anything on the internet. Why are we searching for generic lyrics. No song it particular I just want to know some lyrics. I have always considered google to be an index for this giant encyclopedia of information. It turns out to be nothing more than a barometer showing how stupid we really are. Why not look up something useful on google? Because I'm to busy using it to search for yahoo.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Postal
The best part about the postal service is that everybody complained so much when the price of stamps kept going up by 2 cents every year that they made a stamp that never loses it's value. This stamp will always be worth the amount needed to send a letter. It's actually the safest place to put your money because it's guaranteed to rise equally with inflation. RRSP, property, stock's, mutual funds... Those are all for sucker's; I've got my retirement fund all tied up in permanent stamps.
I'm really glad that I don't have to negotiate with the postal service because they would clearly have the advantage. I would like to send this letter from Auckland to Christchurch. Yes, I am aware that's over 1000km. Of course, I know there is also a three hour ferry ride necessary just to get there. Yes, I am also aware that fuel cost's $1.80 a liter. Let's see you want me to make an offer. Hmmmm... I don't know, $200 sounds fair to me. Before long, they would have me up to $300, realizing I had no alternative other than driving it there myself.
In reality, they only want 50 cents to mail my letter. Why not put the post office in charge of the space program? They would have a postal outlet setup between mars and the moon in under a year. But it wouldn't take long for the people on Mars to complain that those permanent stamps they bought on earth weren't being honored in space. I would just be happy to send a post card to Guy Laliberte for $5.
I'm really glad that I don't have to negotiate with the postal service because they would clearly have the advantage. I would like to send this letter from Auckland to Christchurch. Yes, I am aware that's over 1000km. Of course, I know there is also a three hour ferry ride necessary just to get there. Yes, I am also aware that fuel cost's $1.80 a liter. Let's see you want me to make an offer. Hmmmm... I don't know, $200 sounds fair to me. Before long, they would have me up to $300, realizing I had no alternative other than driving it there myself.
In reality, they only want 50 cents to mail my letter. Why not put the post office in charge of the space program? They would have a postal outlet setup between mars and the moon in under a year. But it wouldn't take long for the people on Mars to complain that those permanent stamps they bought on earth weren't being honored in space. I would just be happy to send a post card to Guy Laliberte for $5.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Pro Athlete
The dream of every elite pro athlete is to retire after winning a championship while they are still a first rate player. On the other hand there are a lot of pro athletes that love the game and want to play it as long as they can and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. They will bounce around from team to team hardly getting any playing time but still hanging around the game they love. Most of these players hope to transition into coaches. Helping out the younger players in a mentoring role is a great way to achieve this.
Not me. I consider myself one of the greats in my sport and a real professional that wants to go out on the top of my game. My worst nightmare would be being remembered as the person who had a good run but was a shadow of their former self in the latter years of his career. Why not play a second game of scrabble against my wife? Because I won the first game!
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