Gravity

Objectively, time is experienced the same by everybody, yet subjectively there are subtle differences on how it's experienced.  I personally experience time in seconds, hours, days, months and years.  Yet other people see their life only in months.  This particular view of time makes it highly probably that they will always be late for everything.  Now it's not impossible for MONTH-ONLY (or monther) people to be on time, just highly unlikely (get your calculator ready - see uncle calculator if you missed it).

There are 60 minutes in a hour, 1440 minutes in a day and 44640 minutes in a month.  This allows somebody like myself who experiences individual minutes to have 44640 measures of time to 1 measure of time for a "monther".  If you could bet on which type of person would be on time, the odds would be 44640:1, which also happens to be the same odds as the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to win the Grey Cup.

But why is a monther always late and never early?  For the answer, I went to my wife who has a lifetime of experiencing months only.  She finally heard the question a week later and I was eventually given an answer in three weeks.  As it turns out, she has no idea what I'm talking about.

The reason why a monther must always be late and never early is because it's a law, similar to the law of gravity and really bad Winnipeg football teams.

Acronyms

Acronyms are used for the purpose of taking something long and complicated and making it short and incomprehensible.  Somewhere along the line we've confused incomprehensible with cool.  There are new acronyms being made on a daily basis, making life more confusing by the hour.  Sometimes I'm unsure what language these acronym-people are talking so to avoid being left out I'll start spellings words in an attempt to be part of the conversation.  "The W.E.A.T.H.E.R. says that there's a chance of S.N.O.W. tomorrow."

The city of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan has a north side and a south side.  The south side commonly called south hill is generally only seen when a driver makes a wrong turn leaving KFC and gets trapped going southbound on a one way street.  The driver then returns back to the north side of town and purchases a GPS device so such an event won't happen again.  A few years ago, the people of south hill decided that they wanted to get some people over to their side of the city and breathe some life into the businesses business, Family Pizza or FP, on that side of town.

The plan was to have an entire weekend dedicated to the south hill.  Since they live south of the bridge connecting the north and south side of the city it was suggested to call the event "South Of The Bridge Days".  Only two people attended the meeting, real-life BFFs, and this name was quickly agreed upon.  Wanting to make the event sound cool and appeal to a younger demographic, while saving printing costs all at the same time, an acronym was put on a huge banner.  It proudly declared "SOB Days", greeting whoever makes a wrong turn out of KFC.  After receiving a "big crunch combo", I accidently made the wrong turn and was greeted by this "SOB Days" sign.  Expecting to get empty beer bottles thrown at my car or have somebody pick a fight, I decided to quickly turn around and go back to the more civilized north side.  But remembering the Family Pizza, I thought, "Why not see if they have a promotion on for SOB days?"  It turns out that the only business on south hill decided not to participate in the event but there was at least a dozen balloons decorating a street lamp post or so I'm told that there was until some SOB stole them A.L.L.

Names

Names are more contagious than injuries in baseball.  It doesn't matter if it's the name of a store or a person's name.  Once a name is given, expect similarity to follow suit.  If you're hungry for a burger, you could go to Burger King, Burger Flame, Burger Cabin or Burger Fuel.  That actually sounds more like the days of the week to me or more specifically a friday night but the point is that they all just have the name burger followed by a noun.

Then there's the companies that name their business after the street that they are on.  This kind name is the most addictive of them all.  Businesses that find themselves on these kind of streets are given the choice of naming their business after the street or move to a different street.  These streets are very powerful often holding prominent positions within municipal, provincial and federal government.

In an attempt to stop this, a local business "687 Takeaways" tried to leave their street name out of their address.  However, not fully understanding the exponential law of business names, soon other business started following the trend.  Now there's 587 takeaways, 543 bakery, 843 clock repair and 444 printing.  These numbered businesses are refusing to cooperate with the street-named businesses, which have created a bunch of confused people driving around unable to find anything and even forcing a small group of people to actually cook their own meals eat at home.  Why not vote for an actual person in the upcoming election instead of a street to start solving these problems?  I might but right now my vote is leaning toward a broom or possibly a mop to clean this mess up.